An impossible day. Nick Cannon opened up about dealing with the loss of his and Alyssa Scott’s son, Zen, on the one-year anniversary of his tragic death.
“Physically, I’m definitely on the mend but Mentally and Spiritually I’m broken,” Cannon, 42, wrote via Instagram on Monday, December 5, alongside a sweet snap of himself cradling the little one. “Been tossing and turning all night, and as much as I know I need rest, last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I can’t believe it’s been a year already since the toughest day of my life occurred. Such a painful anniversary.”
He continued, “Losing a child has to be the heaviest, most dark and depressive experiences that I will never get over. A mixture of guilt, pain, and sorrow is what I suppress daily.”
Cannon shared that while he’s “far from perfect” and often makes “decisions in my life that many question,” his heart has always been in the right place.
“I love hard, I love big and I love with my entire Heart and Soul and I just wish my Little Man could’ve felt more of that love while he was here on Earth,” he said.
The Masked Singer host and the model, 29, welcomed son Zen in June 2021. Five months later, Scott shared that the newborn had died after a battle with brain cancer.
“Oh my sweet Zen. The soreness I felt in my arm from holding you is slowly fading away. It’s a painful reminder that you are no longer here,” she wrote via Instagram at the time of the little one’s death. “I caught myself looking in the backseat as I was driving only to see the mirror no longer reflecting your perfect face back at me. When I close a door too loudly I hold my breath and wince knowing a soft cry will shortly follow. It doesn’t come. The silence is deafening.”
Over the past year, Cannon has frequently praised the Texas native for her resilience amid their tragic loss. “ [She’s the] strongest women I’ve ever seen,” he said while discussing the tragedy during an episode of The Nick Cannon Show. “We never had an argument. She was emotional when she needed to be but always was the best mom and continues to be the best mom.”
In Tuesday’s touching tribute, Cannon said that while he previously asked fans “not to waste your prayers on me,” he could definitely “use those prayers” now. (He was recently admitted to the hospital with pneumonia.)
“I am in the midst of one of the most challenging seasons of my life, but encouraged me to be steadfast and know that all of this will only make me stronger, and to not lean on my own understanding but to rely on the peace that surpasses all,” he continued. “But let me tell you, it’s tough.”
He concluded his heartfelt post, “
Continue to Peacefully Rest My Son, Zen Scott Cannon. We Love you Eternally 
.”
In October, Scott — who is also mother to 4-year-old daughter Zeela — revealed that she and the All That alum are expecting another baby together. She confirmed one month later that Cannon is the father.
“This is a MIRACLE & a BLESSING,” she captioned a photo of the former America’s Got Talent host from their nude, bathtub maternity shoot at the time.
In addition to Zen and his upcoming child with Scott, Cannon shares twins Monroe and Moroccan, 11, with ex-wife Mariah Carey and shares three children with Brittany Bell: 5-year-old son Golden, 20-month-old Powerful and Rise Messiah, 2 months. Cannon welcomed twins Zion and Zillion, 15 months, with Abby De La Rosa and she gave birth to their daughter, Beautiful Zeppelin, last month. He is also father to daughter Legendary, 5 months, and Onyx, 2 months, whom he shares with Bre Tiesi and LaNisha Cole, respectively.
While Cannon’s family is ever-growing, Scott explained in January that she was “at peace” sharing the California native with the rest of his brood.
“I always say Zen expanded my heart in ways I never thought possible. He filled that space with compassion, knowing that I would need that most,” she wrote via her Instagram Story at the time “It’s important for me to let you all know … I am centered, I am at peace. I look at everyone’s predicament with loving eyes. I will not judge. I will consciously decide what I will participate in.”